Finding God in Marriage

>> Gary Thomas

There is something mesmerizing to me about standing beneath a tree that is seven hundred years old. "What was happening here when this tree first started growing?" my daughter asked me as we hiked the western slope of the North Cascades in the state of Washington.

"Not much," I laughed, stunned by the realization that this tree was nearly two hundred years old when Martin Luther was born.

One of the reasons the trees on the western slope of the Cascades survive so long is quite simple: The Washington forests are so wet that lightning strikes cause relatively few fires. Lightning strikes still come, but they're not as devastating, so trees have had a much longer time to take root and grow.

I think that's a good picture of a strong Christian marriage.

All marriages will be struck by lightning - sexual temptation, communication problems, frustrations, unrealized expectations - but if the marriages are heavily watered with an unwavering commitment to please God above everything else, the conditions won't be ripe for a devastating fire to follow the lightning strike.

The Purpose of Marriage

Ask ten people on the street what their goal in life is, and you'll get an amazing variety of answers. Paul answers a lot of questions for us when he says, "We make it our goal to please him" (2 Cor. 5:9). For the Christian, Paul couldn't be clearer-his consuming ambition, the motive force behind all he does, is to please God.

But Paul doesn't just say pleasing God is his "consuming ambition," he assumes it will be ours as well: "We make it our goal to please him." When something is the motive force behind all we do, it becomes the driving force for every decision we make. And Paul is crystal clear: The first question we should ask ourselves when doing anything is, "Will this be pleasing to Jesus Christ?"

The first purpose in marriage - beyond happiness, sexual expression, the bearing of children, companionship, mutual care and provision, or anything else - is to please God. Rather than asking, "What will make me happy?" we are told that we must ask, "What will make God happy?"

The key question is this: Will we approach marriage from a God-centered view or a man-centered view? In a man-centered view, we will maintain our marriage as long as our earthly comforts, desires, and expectations are met. In a God-centered view, we preserve our marriage because it brings glory to God and points a sinful world to a reconciling Creator.

The Divine Romance

Both the Old and New Testaments use marriage as a central analogy - the union between God and Israel (Old Testament) and the union between Christ and his church (the New Testament). Understanding the depth of these analogies is crucial, as they will help us determine the very foundation on which a truly Christian marriage is based. If I believe the primary purpose of marriage is to model God's love for his church, I will enter this relationship and maintain it with an entirely new motivation.

Paul makes this analogy clear in his letter to the Ephesians. You've probably read or heard these words dozens, if not hundreds, of times: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless" (Eph. 5:25-27).

God did not create marriage just to give us a pleasant means of repopulating the world and providing a steady societal institution for the benefit of humanity. The primary reason God designed marriage was to serve as yet another signpost pointing to his own eternal, spiritual existence. If we are consumed with highlighting where our spouses are falling short, we will miss the divine mysteries of marriage and the lessons it has to teach us.

Living the Mystery

Think about this. The very nature of Christ's work was a reconciling work, bringing us together again with God. Our response is to become reconcilers ourselves. "All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation" (2 Cor. 5:18).

Clearly Paul is talking about carrying the message of salvation. But we cannot discuss with any integrity the ending of "a relation of enmity" and the dawning of "peace and goodwill" if our marriages are marked by divorce, fighting, and animosity. Everything I am to say and do in my life is to be supportive of this gospel ministry of reconciliation, and that commitment begins by displaying reconciliation in my personal relationships, especially in my marriage.

If my marriage contradicts my message, I have sabotaged the goal of my life: to be pleasing to Christ and to faithfully fulfill the ministry of reconciliation, proclaiming to the world the good news that we can be reconciled to God through Jesus Christ. The last picture I want to give the world is that I have decided to stop loving someone and that I refuse to serve this person anymore, or that I have failed to fulfill a promise I made many years before. Yet this is precisely the message many Christians are proclaiming through their actions.

If my "driving force" is as Paul says it should be, I will work to construct a marriage that enhances this ministry of reconciliation - a marriage that, in fact, incarnates this truth by putting flesh on it, building a relationship that models forgiveness, selfless love, and sacrifice. One of the reasons I am determined to keep my marriage together is not because doing so will make me happier (although I believe it will); not because I want my kids to have a secure home (although I do desire that); not because it would tear me up to see my wife have to "start over" (although it would). The first reason I keep my marriage together is because my life is based on proclaiming God's message to the world. I don't want to do anything that would challenge that message. And how can I proclaim reconciliation when I seek dissolution?

God on Display

Knowing why we are married and should stay married is crucial. If I'm married only for happiness and my happiness wanes for whatever reason, one little spark will burn the entire forest of my relationship. But if my aim is to proclaim and model God's ministry of reconciliation, my endurance will be fireproof.

In a society where relationships are discarded with a frightening regularity, Christians can command attention simply by staying married. And when asked why, we can offer the platform of God's message of reconciliation, followed by an invitation: "Would you like to hear more about that good news of reconciliation?"

In this sense, our marriages can be platforms for evangelism. They can draw people into a truth that points beyond this world into the next. Just by sticking it out in our marriages, we can build a monu­ment to the principle and the practice of reconciliation.

Taken from Sacred Marriage by Gary L. Thomas. Copyright ©2000 by Gary Thomas. Used by permission of Zondervan. To read more from Gary Thomas, visit his website at www.garythomas.com.