Re-Discovering Sexual Purity

Few areas in our Christian pilgrimage require more care and attention than the matter of our sexual lives. This exercise is intended to provide practical instruction on how to walk in sexual purity and victory. We suggest our readers set aside a concentrated period of time to process and internalize these application questions and their corresponding scripture references.

Note: An asterisk next to the question indicates our recommendation for the reader to seek the assistance of a qualified biblical counselor or pastor regarding this area.

1. How do I know if I am struggling with lust?

Men

• Do I "surf" through T.V. channels looking for immodesty? (Job 31:1)
• Do my eyes tend to look inappropriately at the bodies of women? (Matt. 5:28)
• Do I purposely drive by illicit billboards or adult shops just to glance? (Prov. 4:14-15)
• Do I "roam" near lingerie sections of the mall? (Prov. 4:25-27)
• Do I look through magazines in search of immodest photos? (Prov. 6:23-25)
• Am I hiding a sexual habit (masturbation, pornography, etc.)? (1 Cor. 6:18-19)
• Do I justify a "little" exposure to nudity because I am an adult, even though I know it stimulates lustful thoughts and desires? (Song of Solomon 2:15)
• Do I read reviews of sexually explicit movies, books, or plays in order to satisfy unhealthy desires? (1 John 2:16)
• Are there areas of sexual activity that I would engage in if I knew no one would find out? (Prov. 15:3)
• Do I find myself looking for opportunities to counsel women on intimate issues instead of directing them to a godly female? (James 1:14)
• Am I in a relationship with a woman that is "too close" and makes me vulnerable to sexual sin? (Gen. 39:7-12)
• Do I care more about the body of my wife than the soul and spirit of my wife? (1 Pet. 3:3-4, 7)
• Do I pressure my wife into sexual practices that I know do not please God? (1 Pet. 3:7; Heb. 13:4)
• Do I fantasize about other women while being intimate with my wife? (Matt. 5:28; Prov. 5:18-20)
• Is there anything I purposely keep from my wife because it would limit my ability to engage in immoral activity? (James 5:16)
• Do I maintain a subscription to a cable or satellite service that affords the opportunity to act on lustful desires? (Rom. 13:14)
• Do I try to "hide" my sin via deletion maneuvers on my computer? (Prov. 28:13)
• Is the degree of conviction and guilt over my sexual failures less than it once was? (Eph. 4:30)
• Has the loss of the power of God in my life become of secondary concern to the continuation of a lustful lifestyle? (Ps. 32:3-4)

Women

• Do I fantasize about men? (Prov. 12:2; 2 Cor. 10:5)
• Would I rather talk about "personal issues" with a man other than my husband? (Prov. 11:22)
• Do I read books or articles that stimulate wrong passions? (Rom. 6:13-21)
• Do I watch soap operas or movies to satisfy desires that only my marriage should? (Phil. 4:8)
• Do I dress in a way that I know will attract inappropriate attention from men? (1 Tim. 2:9-10)
• Do I use "smooth talk" to lead men into conversations that I know will entice them sexually? (Prov. 5:3; 7:21)
• Do I ever look at men in ways that I think will arouse sexual desires in them? (Prov. 6:25; 7:13b-15)
• Do I justify being around men that I know I should stay away from? (Rom. 12:9)
• Is there anything I purposely keep from my husband because it would limit my ability to engage in immoral activity? (James 5:16)
• Do I find myself competing for the attention of a man who is not my husband? (Prov. 31:11-12)
• Do I join clubs or attend events with the thought that I might form relationships with men other than my husband? (Prov. 7:11-12)
• Do I look forward to my husband being gone so I can explore opportunities to develop a relationship with another man? (Prov. 7:18-19)
• Do I see how far I can go with a man without actually becoming physically involved? (Eph. 5:3)
• Do I excuse inappropriate relationships at work or at church because of the importance of my role? (Luke 12:48b)

 

2. Have I taken the necessary steps to thoroughly deal with the sin of sexual impurity . . .

With God? (Psalm 51)

• Have I considered the grievousness of my moral impurity to God? (vv. 3-4a)
• Have I acknowledged that I have defiled His "temple" by allowing moral impurity to enter my mind, soul, and body? (v. 6)
• Have I admitted the pride and selfishness that is foundational to moral sin? (v. 2)
• Have I acknowledged my lack of surrender to His will for my life? (v. 4)
• Have I confessed my failure to maintain an intimate relationship with the Lord and to rely upon His grace? (vv. 11-12)
• Have I asked God to bring deep brokenness and genuine repentance over my sin? (v. 17)

With my family?

• Have I confessed my sexual sin to my spouse (without details)? (Acts 24:16)*
• Have I sought forgiveness from my spouse for breaking our marriage vows? (Eccl. 5:4-5)
• Have I assumed 100% responsibility for my sin, casting no blame on my spouse? (1 Sam. 15:19-21)
• Have I shared with my spouse in a spirit of brokenness, contrition, and humility? (1 Pet. 5:5b)
• Have I been honest with my spouse, admitting the hypocrisy of "pretending" to be pure when I wasn't? (Acts 5:3-4)
• Have I expressed my unworthiness to receive forgiveness from my spouse? (Luke 15:19)
• Have I sought forgiveness from my children individually for the effect my sexual sin may have had upon them? (Luke 17:1-2)*

 

With my local church?

• Have I confessed my sin to a pastor or elder (in the presence of a godly woman, if you're a female) from my local church and asked for prayer and accountability? (Heb. 13:17)*
• Have I submitted myself to whatever restorative steps my church leadership has suggested? (Matt. 18:15-17)
• Have I sought my pastor's counsel regarding any steps that may need to be taken to clear my conscience with the broader church family? (1 Cor. 12:12, 26)

With others?

• Have I asked forgiveness from others who were directly or indirectly hurt by my sin? (1 Tim. 1:19)
• Have I asked forgiveness from anyone I lied to or deceived about how I was doing morally? (1 Pet. 1:15-16)

3. Am I being intentional about maintaining a sexually pure lifestyle . . .

Through cultivating my relationship with the Lord?

• Am I spending time daily reading the Bible and in prayer? (Ps. 119:9, 11)
• Am I looking to the Lord as my true source of fulfillment and joy? (Ps. 16:11)
• Am I developing a proper view of God that would increase my ability to trust Him with every aspect of my life? (Ps. 46:1, 10)
• Am I daily expressing my love to the Lord by both words and deeds? (Ps. 34:1)
• Am I generously giving my resources (time and money) to the Lord, realizing that "where my treasure is, there my heart will be also"? (Matt. 6:19-21)

Through cultivating my relationship with my spouse?

• Am I working diligently to strengthen my relationship with my spouse? (Eph. 5:22-25)
• Am I meeting the emotional and physical needs of my spouse? (Eph. 5:28-29)
• Are there any secrets that I am keeping from my marriage partner? (Eccl. 12:14)
• Have I asked my mate to keep me accountable in all areas of sexual temptation? (1 Cor. 7:4)
• Am I misleading or deceiving my mate in any way? (Eph. 4:25)
• Have I invited my spouse to regularly ask "tough" questions about my sexual practices and to hold me accountable in my sexual life? (John 3:20-21).
• Do I "wait" to be asked how I am doing sexually, or do I voluntarily share my needs out of love and respect for my mate? (Prov. 28:13)
• Am I regularly asking my spouse "tough" questions of accountability about his/her sexual life? (Prov. 27:5-6)
• Am I willing to forgive and extend grace to my spouse? (Eph. 4:26-27, 32)
• Am I praying with my spouse and for my spouse? (Col. 4:2; 1 Pet. 3:7)
• Do I consistently praise my spouse in the presence of others? (Eph. 4:29)

Through cultivating godly relationships with others?

• Am I developing healthy relationships in the body of Christ? (Eccl. 4:9-10)
• Have I sought a meaningful relationship with a godly mentor who encourages me in my walk with the Lord? (Heb. 6:11-12)
• Am I meeting regularly with a godly person of the same gender who is holding me accountable in areas related to sexual purity? (Prov. 27:17; Heb. 3:13)
• Have I requested prayer for moral purity? (James 5:16)
• Am I harboring any bitterness toward anyone? (Heb. 12:15-16)
• Is there anyone that is harboring bitterness or hurt toward me? (Matt. 5:23-24)

Through establishing "guard rails" of protection?

• Am I avoiding every "appearance of evil" and "making no provision for the flesh"?
  (1 Thess. 5:22; Rom. 13:14)
• Am I praying for protection from the temptations of the "world, flesh and devil"?
  (Matt. 6:13; 26:41)
• Am I refusing to go to places of temptation? (Prov. 7:8; 2:11; Ps. 1:1)
• Am I cutting off every relationship that is a source of temptation? (Ps. 101:7)
• Am I memorizing and meditating on the Scriptures? (Ps. 119:97)
• Have I installed a "filter" on my computer and am I allowing my mate to have complete access to my internet usage? (Eph. 5:11)
• Am I taking whatever steps are necessary to ensure that I will not commit sexual sin when alone on trips? (1 Cor. 9:24-27)
• Am I guarding my conversation? (Prov. 21:23)
• Am I opening my life up to "witnesses" who hold me accountable to a blameless life? (1 Thess. 2:10)

4. Are my mate and I enjoying sexual freedom in marriage?

• Do we see sex as a "gift" from God? (Gen. 2:18, 24)
• Have we brought God into our physical union through prayer? (1 Thess. 5:17)
• Do we view each other as God's perfect physical provision for each other? (1 Cor. 7:2)
• Have we sought forgiveness for any sexual immorality that took place prior to marriage?
  (1 Tim. 1:5)*
• Do we still "date" and make physical intimacy a culmination of an emotional bond? (Song of Solomon)
• Do we discuss sexual issues and respect each other's desires and conscience? (Matt. 7:12)
• Do we deal with conflict openly and lovingly? (1 Pet. 4:8)
• Do we see sex as an act of giving? (1 Cor. 7:5)
• Are we willing to surrender our rights and expectations? (Phil. 2:4)
• Are we putting time and effort into keeping our sexual intimacy fresh and exciting? (Prov. 5:15-19)
• Do we avoid sexually explicit instructional resources? (1 Thess. 4:4-7)
• Do we express appreciation for our spouse's willingness to meet our sexual needs? (1 Tim. 4:3)
• Do we protect the sanctity of our relationship by not sharing intimate details with friends? (Eph. 4:29b; Ps. 141:3)
• Do we motivate each other through praise? (Prov. 25:11)
• Do we value the joy that comes from lifelong faithfulness to one person? (Eccl. 9:9)

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