After God created man and woman, one of their earliest acts as Earth's first human inhabitants was to mess up. Huge. Think about it. They were set for eternity. The only perfect people to ever live on the planet (until Jesus, of course) are settled into the perfect job tending the coolest zoological park ever created. And God dropped by for fellowship every day.  

It was the perfect start to a beautiful love story!

But rather than living happily ever after, Eve took a taste of sin, Adam followed suit, and the blaming and shaming started. Now, if the story ended there, we'd all be in permanent trouble. The good news is that the entire rest of God's recorded story, all 1,185 chapters, is an account of His redemption plan - His plan to put these two lives, and the lives of countless couples since, back together.

And at the heart of this relational repair job is God's specialty - forgiveness. It's all about forgiveness - why we need it, how God extends it, what happens when we receive it, and how we're to extend it to others.

A Model for Givng Grace

God understands our hurts because we hurt Him daily. We fall short of His expectations. We make promises we do not keep. Our sin truly causes God to grieve. But He, the injured One, the innocent and holy One, still holds out forgiveness. Believe me, Jesus knows what you are going through when you are faced with the need to forgive!

Ephesians 4:30 says that we're not to "grieve the Holy Spirit of God." And then verses 31-32 give the context: "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you."

When we rip each other apart and refuse to forgive each other, it breaks God's heart. And there's a reason these wounded relationships break God's heart: it grieves Him to think that His children, the offspring of the God of grace, refuse to give the one gift He lavishes on us - forgiveness.

We find a great model for both giving and receiving forgiveness in the New Testament letter to the Hebrews.

And their sins and their lawless deeds I will remember no more. Now where there is forgiveness of these things, there is no longer any offering for sin. Therefore, brethren, since we have confidence to enter the holy place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way which He inaugurated for us through the veil, that is, His flesh, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water (10:17-22).

This text hints at four aspects of grace giving. Let's look at each one:

1. Grace chooses not to keep score. "I will remember no more" (v. 17) is what God says of our sinful ways. What makes this statement so significant is that it's a choice to put our offenses out of His mind. It's not that we literally forget past offenses. That's impossible. But when we say we forgive, we're expressing a decision to let go of the offense and a refusal to hold it against the offender anymore. Forgiveness of this sort is a great gift of love.

2. Grace chooses not to be demanding. When the text says, "Now where there is forgiveness of these things, there is no longer any offering for sin" (Hebrews 10:18), God is telling us that grace is unconditional. Forgiveness is not like a down payment with future installments due. Add demands like, "I will forgive you if . . . ," or, "I will for­give you when . . . ," then you're no longer offering grace. You're proposing a deal. You're requiring a wage or some kind of payment before you will act, and grace will have no part of such an arrangement. And neither should you, if you're hoping to see forgiveness do its divine work in your marriage.

Let me offer one clarification. I'm not saying that you can't honestly express your hurts and expectations. God certainly communicates His disappointments with the past and His expectations for our relationship in the future. But He motivates us to respond by engulfing all of this honest communication in grace and unconditional love. Your husband or your wife needs that kind of out-of-this-world grace.

3. Grace chooses not to withhold love. After God said "their sins and their lawless deeds I will remember no more" (v. 17), He followed this promise with an invitation to reconciliation: " Therefore, brethren, since we have confidence to enter the holy place by the blood of Jesus . . . let us draw near with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith" (vv. 19, 22). God not only wants to encourage you to trust His forgiveness, but He wants you to draw near to Him so that your relationship can get back on track!

Likewise, a grace response to an offense in our marriage is to invite our spouse back into a reconciled love relationship. The signal here is clear. You, the offended one, are to be taking the initiative and inviting repair, renewal, and reconciliation. Rather than withholding love, you extend it, selflessly.

As you consider an area or an incident in your marriage that has required forgiveness, and you feel you've found the grace to extend that forgiveness, it's healthy to ask yourself, "Do I wish my husband well?" "Do I wish my wife well?" If the answer is yes, then you've exercised grace. That's exactly how God forgives us when we sin against Him, and it's our model for forgiving each other as well.

When Forgiveness Comes to Life

We've all endured offenses from people. Often we feel justified in lashing out at them. We feel angry - and rightfully so. At least that's what we tell ourselves. After all, isn't that how justice is done? It sure feels like the best way to respond. At least it feels good to vent! There's no doubt about it - forgiveness runs absolutely counter to our nature! It's like the dentist telling you to relax as he's about to drill a cavity into your tooth. Your natural response is to grip the arms of the chair and hang on for dear life.

And when we've injured the one we love, a battle rages within as we try to rationalize our behavior and minimize our responsibility. The idea of coming clean and throwing ourselves at the mercy of the one we've offended, expecting nothing in return, flies in the face of our senses of pride and self-preservation.

But all kinds of positive options become available when you choose to give and receive forgiveness - anger can be diffused, dignity can be preserved, gratitude can grow, peace can be restored, joy can be retrieved, confidence can be rebuilt, and trust can find a fresh footing. And that's not a bad return on your investment! So give forgiveness generously, just as it is delivered daily to you from above.

A Roadmap to Restoration

Sometimes it seems the only lesson in life that's harder than learning how to forgive is learning how to receive forgiveness. God offers forgiveness, but for us to be restored and reconciled, for the relationship to be healed, the guilty party must have the right spirit. The Bible calls it repentance. If you've offended your spouse and are seeking forgiveness, here is a road map for authentic restoration:

Come with a humble heart. If I've wronged my spouse, the only appropriate way to approach them is the way I approach God when I'm seeking a restored relationship with Him: "Be merciful to me, a sinner!" (Luke 18:13).

Come with a repentant heart. If I've wronged my spouse, I must go with awareness of my sin and a willingness to walk away from it. Ask your spouse for help in figuring out what kind of changes need to take place.

Come with a committed heart. After enduring our sinful behavior, it would be perfectly normal for a husband or wife to wonder whether those offenses revealed cracks in the foundation of the relationship. Assure your spouse of your unconditional, lifelong commitment to your marriage.

Come with a loving heart. Do not expect all the blessings of grace to be instantly restored to your relationship! Let your spouse know that you mean business when it comes to your marriage and that you are willing to work on being the kind of husband or wife you need to be.

 

Condensed from Different by Design, © 2000 by H. Dale Burke, published by Moody Press. Used by permission. All rights reserved.