Sue was not the prettiest and certainly not the sexiest woman John had ever seen. In fact, she didn't hold a candle to his wife. But Sue worked for John. He spent a lot of time with her at the office. He could tell she admired him. He liked her, respected her, and thought she was bright, creative, and interesting. He liked being around her, liked her smile, enjoyed her wit. She was doe-eyed, had perfect teeth, and was married.

 

Was John romantically interested in her?

The question would have offended him. They were both happily married. Was Sue worth losing a home and family over? Now there was a question even more insulting than the first. No woman was worth that. He was a Christian, active in church, a father of three with a comfortable and happy life. He wasn't looking for anything more or different. He was challenged, motivated, and excited about his job and his career path. He was solid. John wasn't even going through a midlife crisis.

So he didn't worry when he first found himself missing Sue when she was out of town for a couple of days. He asked his secretary to be sure to let him know when she called because he had "business to discuss with her." It was true. And when the business had been discussed, they talked a little more.

"We miss you around here, Sue." The emphasis was on "we."

"I miss you too," she said. "All of you. I look forward to seeing you when I get back."

"Me too."

Nice. Friendly. Innocent. And dangerous. But John didn't know that then.

John began to find reasons to be around Sue. In the ensuing weeks and months, John and Sue began slowly to depend upon each other emotionally. He told her things no one else in the office knew: his dreams, his plans, his private ambitions, his assessments of others. Suddenly, or so it seemed, the inevitable happened.

They justified a few lunches and even a working dinner. And then at a convention out of town, even with six others from their office along, they found opportunities to be alone together. After a late dinner with everyone from their office, she called his room and said she couldn't sleep.

"I'm not tired either," he said, lying. He had collapsed into bed after the long day. "What do you want to do?" "I don't know. Just talk." "So talk."

"You wanna go for a walk?"

They met in the lobby and strolled the deserted city streets. They walked silently for twenty minutes until they came to a dark spot between street lights. John slowed to a stop, his emotions racing. Theirs was one long, soft, meaningful kiss that spoke volumes. They stared into each other's eyes for a slow moment, then headed back to the hotel, his hand gently on her arm.

As the building came into sight, Sue stopped. "We have to talk."

"I know."

"What are you thinking, John?"

"This will never work, Sue. It didn't happen. We go back to our respective rooms good friends who happen to like each other very much. It doesn't have to be difficult, Sue. We just need to back up a few months. We're friends, and we can enjoy that, can't we?"

"You make that sound easy, John. I can't."

"Why not?"

She took a deep, quavery breath and fought for composure. She still hadn't looked at him. "I'm in love with you, John. That's why."

He reached for her, and she came to him. They embraced and kissed, and he told her he loved her too. He led her back into the hotel the way he'd come, avoiding the lobby and the elevators. They trudged up the stairs to her room. He left there two hours later, in time to prepare for the day.

John and Sue shared a delicious, bleary-eyed secret for the rest of the convention. They spent most of every night together, and there was no more talk of how things would have to change when they traveled back home to reality.

John and Sue convinced themselves that their love was so perfect that God had to be in it. Neither was prepared for the vehement reactions from their spouses and extended families. The anger, the confusion, the accusations drove them closer to each other. Within six months both divorces were final, and John and Sue were married. A year later, John realized that he had made a terrible mistake. His second marriage ended in divorce, and he ended up permanently alienating his former wife as well.

Close Encounters of the Worst Kind

Just as it's the little foxes that spoil the vine, so seemingly small indiscretions add up to major traps. John and Sue allowed themselves to admire, like, respect, and enjoy each other without giving a second thought to the progression of feelings, the danger of developing emotional feelings, or the lure of infatuation. They never reminded themselves of their wedding vows, because they had no intention of breaking them. Feelings and emotions sneaked up on them when they least expected it, and then it was too late.

How close have you come to being burned by marital infidelity? Have you found yourself impressed with someone and then attracted to them? Maybe it seemed innocent and safe, but then you said or did things you never thought you would say or do. Maybe on a business trip you hung around with a colleague of the opposite sex, and upon reflection you know you wouldn't have wanted your spouse to do the same thing. It could be that nothing improper was said or done, but simply investing the emotional energy and time was inappropriate. Maybe, looking back, you see you were living dangerously.

Or maybe you did become physically involved. Perhaps you live with guilt because you never confided that to anyone, including-and especially - your spouse.

The question for all of us is clear - how will you avoid being a casualty? Look around. Let your guard down, don't remind yourself that you made a vow before God and men, don't set up barriers for your eyes, your mind, your hands, your emotions, and see how quickly you become a statistic.

Building Hedges

So, what could John and Sue have done? Had either realized they were becoming enamored with each other, they could have shifted gears, gone into a protective mode, and saved themselves from ruining many lives.

If hedges are planted early enough, preferably well in advance of even meeting someone else, they can be painless and can nip marriage-threatening relationships before they get started. That's why we so desperately need practical suggestions on how to plant impenetrable boundaries around our marriages.

We can plant hedges only after we have determined where they must grow. Here are five pragmatic ways to guard ourselves against our weaknesses:

Hedge No. 1 - Whenever I need to meet or dine or travel with an unrelated woman, I make it a threesome. Should an unavoidable last-minute complication make this impossible, my wife hears it from me first.

This hedge is about pure logic. Scripture is clear that Christians should "abstain from sexual immorality" (1 Thessalonians 4:3), for "this is the will of God." So, you ask, what is sexually immoral about meeting, dining, or traveling with an unrelated woman? Nothing. But it is also true that, unless I am alone with a woman, I will not engage in immorality with her.

Hedge No. 2 - I am careful about touching. While I might shake hands or squeeze an arm or a shoulder in greeting, I embrace only dear friends or relatives, and only in front of others.

If I embrace only dear friends or relatives and only in the presence of others, I am not even tempted to make the embrace longer or more impassioned than is appropriate. For instance, what would happen if I just lingered an instant to see what kind of reaction I might get? And let's say that reaction was encouraging. We might both pretend it didn't happen, but what about next time? Would we not be carefully checking each other out to see if what we thought we felt the first time was accurate? And what if it was? At what point would we overtly embrace passionately, silently declaring our feelings for each other? I don't know, and I don't want to know. That's why I keep such activity public, ensuring its appropriateness.

Hedge No. 3 - I avoid flirtation or suggestive conversation, even in jest.

Idle flirting gets people in trouble because the other person needs and wants attention so badly. Most people think that the man in Proverbs heading down the road of destruction to the harlot's bed had followed his lust for sex. Surely that was part of it, but the text indicates that he also was seduced by her words. Proverbs 7:10, 21 says, "There a woman met him, with the attire of a harlot, and a crafty heart. . . . With her enticing speech she caused him to yield, with her flattering lips she seduced him." Flattery, flirtation, suggestive jesting . . . beware the power of the tongue.

Hedge No. 4 - I remind my wife often-in writing and orally-that I remember my wedding vows: "Keeping you only unto me for as long as we both shall live." Dianna is not the jealous type, nor has she ever demanded such assurances. She does, however, appreciate my rules and my observance of them.

People seem to take their wedding vows so cavalierly nowadays that you have to wonder if they have any idea what they're saying. It may be naive to think that people would remain true to their vows just by repeating them frequently, but who knows? At least couples might come to really understand what they said in a ceremony before God, friends, and spouse.

Hedge No. 5 - From the time I got home from work until the children went to bed, I did no writing or office work. That gave me lots of time with the family and for my wife and me to continue to court and date.

It's become a cliché by now that no one has ever been heard to say on his deathbed, "I wish I'd spent more time at the office." Don't fall prey to the "quality time" trap or to the myth that kids are resilient and will be better off in two halves of a broken home. Most children of divorce would give up everything else in their lives if only their parents would get back together. Make a decision. Set a course. Carve out the time it takes to devote yourself to your spouse and children, and plant a hedge that will protect you both from the devastation of a broken home.

What Hedges Can Do for Your Marriage

Something wonderful happens in a relationship when hedges begin to grow. It's crucial to understand that the hedges I've discussed have been my own, tailor-made for an oversexed, gregarious, fun-loving, busy person who might otherwise follow his lusts, say things he shouldn't, flirt, forget the most important person in his life, and not spend as much time with his family as he should.

Your weaknesses may be different. Some might make me laugh or make me think you're a nut, as some of mine may have done to you. The important thing is to know yourself, understand the dangers in your weak areas, and do something practical and concrete about them.

Spend time talking with your spouse. Find out what their deepest needs are, what they really want and require from you. Then plant a hedge around that, around them, around you, around your marriage. It'll be the best gardening you've ever done.

 

Condensed from Hedges, Revised Edition by Jerry B. Jenkins, © 2005 by Jerry B. Jenkins, published by Crossway Books, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. www.crossway.com Used by permission. All rights reserved. Download for personal use only.