Go-It-Alone Faith

For years my wife and I have facilitated small groups for young singles, and the pecking order of their priorities is clear—achieving financial independence and private living quarters are at the top. Add a marital prospect into the mix, and you've just scored bonus points!

This is more than the social posturing of twenty-somethings. It reflects the deeply rooted individualism of American culture. Growing up well generally means becoming autonomous by establishing a career, securing your own place of residence, getting married, and having 1.8 kids—no help needed, thank you very much.

But this definition of maturity, combined with the unprecedented affluence and mobility that supports it, has come with a high emotional price tag. We have reaped the reward for our hard-earned success: functional isolation. No longer "dependent" on anyone, we now bear the stress of life's decisions, temptations, and problems virtually alone.

Before entering the ministry, I worked as a mental health counselor. While I firmly believe that there is a time and place for professional counseling, the whole context of therapy struck me as tragic. Here were precious people being forced to pay large sums of money to talk to a total stranger about the most intimate secrets of their lives.

I was glad they had come, proud of their courage to seek help, and thrilled to extend what care and guidance I could. But in so many cases I found myself wondering, Why are they unwilling or unable to share their struggles with friends or family? Are they legitimately afraid of rejection? Or are they simply embarrassed, strictly following a social code that tells them that personal problems should be solved "personally," that it is weak or overbearing to push your problems on others—at least without paying a fee?

Fifteen years later, I am more convinced than ever that most people hide their real struggles, even from those closest to them, because they believe the lies of radical individualism. The problem is often compounded in religious circles, where higher moral expectations simply raise the stakes of admitting failure. A friend of mine calls the result a "go it alone" Christianity that has taught us to believe:

• I can handle it—I just need to get serious and try harder.

• It's weak to burden others with my needs.
• Accountability is a "crutch" for those who lack internal strength.
• I'm the only one who struggles.
• Someone else should be vulnerable first!

These lies (and others like them) are so ingrained that they are automatic and often subconscious. But they all share one thing in common: They are antithetical to both Christian identity and progress.

Here's a shock to the system: There is no such thing as a "private life" in the way of Jesus. As Dietrich Bonhoeffer put it, "Jesus always comes to us with a family." We need invasive relationships characterized by humility, honesty, accountability, and mutual submission in order to thrive as disciples.

Of course, invasive relationships don't happen automatically in our individualistic culture. The prayer, input, and accountability of others must be intentionally sought and relentlessly pursued. But the Jesus way of life depends on it. It's time to trade the myth of "go it alone" Christianity for connected life in the family of God.