As a young girl, she was forced to endure secret abuse. Her dilemma: Suppress her haunting past, or extend forgiveness? A panel of counselors share their thoughts.

The Scenario

A beautiful young girl leaves her cheerful "mask" at school, heading home to a war zone of dysfunctional relationships. Her family is a curse to be endured. She knows that the abuse she is experiencing, the perversion her father forces her to endure, cannot be right.

For years the secret abuse continues. Then she learns that her mom, the one person she always believed she could trust, knew of the abuse all along yet did nothing.

Now, as an adult, the full weight of the offense has set in. No matter where she turns, reminders of that twisted past haunt her. She has trouble loving her husband and children the way she wishes she could. There's an invisible wall between her and anyone she tries to love.

Her parents have never apologized, and they keep playing the "normal family" game. As if all that evil could simply be forgotten.

Spend Time with the Lord

Silently suffering abuse feels devastating. The thought of extending forgiveness seems an additional injustice and abuse. Is he to get off scot-free? Where's the fairness in that?

No one knows the difficulty involved in forgiving devastating offenses better than Jesus Christ. He was truly innocent, yet He was "despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief" (Isaiah 53:3 ESV).

Although the way we sin against each other is indeed heinous and hurtful, the way we've sinned against God is cosmic. And yet . . . God has extended an offer of forgiveness to us. We've gotten off scot-free.

Because He's forgiven us, we're commanded to offer forgiveness to those who sin against us (Luke 17:3). We are to forgive every sin from our hearts, while at the same time confronting the sinner for his sake, that he might repent.

The ability to graciously forgive is the result of seeing how we've been loved and forgiven by God. Let me encourage you to spend time with the Lord, asking Him to show you your sin and how He has loved you despite it.

This is the first step in becoming a person who is able to forgive "as God in Christ forgave you" (Eph. 4:32). Having the courage, then, to speak the truth in love (v. 15) will flow from a heart of love and freedom.

Elyse Fitzpatrick has been counseling women since 1989. She is the author of over a dozen books, including Because He Loves Me: How Christ Transforms Our Daily Life (Crossway).

Cry Out for His Grace

 

My dear sister, I can only imagine the pain and emotional trauma you have endured. Let me assure you that though my counsel may be difficult, in no way do I want to minimize what you have gone through or in any way be insensitive. With that said, please let me offer some advice for your future emotional health.

I read once of a man in Louisiana who was imprisoned 25 years for a heinous crime he did not commit. We all hear of unfortunate stories like this from time to time. But what was so remarkable was his response to this injustice. After DNA evidence exonerated him and he was released, he
responded to an incredulous media that he didn’t hold any grudges. He said, “I cannot change the past, but with the Lord’s help, my past doesn’t have to control my future.”

Hebrews 12:15 warns us against a “root of bitterness” springing up to trouble our lives. That’s because bitterness is self-cannibalism; it devours us from the inside. The victim is victimized even more.

Because of sin, we live in a fallen world where offenses and injustice will exist. Christ died to ultimately set all of this aright. But until this completely happens, His grace is sufficient for our most horrific circumstances (2 Cor. 12:9). When we cry out for His grace, He will give us the desire and the power (Phil. 2:13) to release harbored hurts.

Wilson Green pastored for 21 years in Virginia and Illinois before joining Life Action in 1999. He and his wife, Laura, specialize in marriage and family issues.

You Have a Champion

There is something in all of us that cries out for wrongs to be exposed, acknowledged, and redressed. That's why we loathe bullies and cheer for the underdog. But when we ourselves are the victims of profound evil, it's not just another night at the movies. We long for vindication. One of life's most painful experiences is when someone covers over their sin against us. As if the pain and shame weren't enough, we are left powerless and alone. We are twice wounded.

Jesus is a champion for the hurting. He cares about your pain. He knows every detail of the injustice you have experienced. And even if no one else ever knows the extent of your suffering, God the righteous Judge has borne witness. No sin will remain covered on the Last Day.

If you can turn your injustice over to Jesus, He will take good care of it. "Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you" (1 Peter 5:7 NLT). This will free you to truly live—not as a victim but as an overcomer.

Del Fehsenfeld was trained as a family counselor and is the Senior Editor for Life Action Ministries.

Advice

1. Study Bible characters who suffered injustice (e.g. Joseph, Jesus, Paul). How did they deal with their hurts? What were the results?

2. Read Forgiveness: Healing the Harbored Hurts of Your Heart, by Bill Elliff (available in our online store).

3. Memorize Matthew 5:3-11. You might jot the verses on note cards and carry them in your purse to review regularly.

4. Find a wise Christian woman (maybe your pastor's wife) to share your story with. Having her perspective and prayers will be of great help.

5. Pray for your parents. Start by echoing Philippians 1:9-11 for your father's life.

6. Do something good for your parents. Jesus taught us to love and serve those who sin against us. This will not only bring conviction on the wrong-doers (Rom. 12:17-21), but more importantly, it will keep your heart free from bitterness.

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